There’s a reason gift-giving can feel awkward. You’re never quite sure how it will land. Will they like it? Will they pretend to like it? Will it cause an awkward moment you’ll both have to navigate at the next work do?
Feedback is the same. And just like a gift left sitting in the boot of your car because you couldn’t find the right moment to give it, delayed feedback loses its value. Fast.
The reluctance is real, but let’s be honest about why
If you manage people, whether you’re a business owner, a team leader, or someone who works alongside others, chances are you’ve held back feedback you knew you should have given. We all have.
But here’s the question worth sitting with: why?
Be honest with yourself. Is it because:
You’re not sure if you’re overreacting, and it feels easier to let it go?
You’ve told yourself it’s not a big deal, even when it is?
You don’t want them to not like you?
You’re worried they’ll get defensive, or worse, aggressive?
You’re not sure how to phrase it without making things worse?
You simply don’t want the discomfort, for you or for them?
If you nodded at any of those, you’re not alone. These are deeply human responses. But none of them are good enough reasons to stay silent.
Because while you’re sitting on that feedback, protecting the relationship, protecting your own comfort, the person on the receiving end is walking around without information they need. Information that could help them grow, improve, and show up better for themselves, for the team, for your business.
What happens when you don’t give feedback in the moment
Small things become big things. That’s the simple truth.
A pattern of behaviour that goes unaddressed doesn’t disappear, it embeds. And when you finally do say something, usually when you’ve reached a breaking point, it lands much harder than it needed to. Suddenly it feels like a big deal, because you’ve made it one by waiting.
The person receiving it is blindsided. They wonder why you didn’t say something sooner. Trust erodes in both directions. You feel like you handled it badly. They feel ambushed. Nobody wins.
Contrast that with a timely, calm, considered piece of feedback given close to the moment. It’s almost always received better. It feels less charged. It’s easier to act on.
You have an obligation
This is the mindset shift that matters most.
Giving feedback isn’t about being critical. It’s not about asserting authority or catching people out. It’s about one human being helping another see something they can’t see themselves.
As a people leader, whether you lead one person or one hundred, you have a genuine obligation to do this. The people who work with you deserve to know how they’re doing. They deserve the chance to make changes before things escalate. They deserve a leader who respects them enough to be straight with them.
Withholding feedback isn’t kindness. It might feel like it in the moment, but it isn’t. It’s self-protection dressed up as consideration.
A simple process: prepare, but don’t over-prepare
One of the biggest reasons feedback gets put off is the feeling that you need to have it perfectly scripted before you open your mouth. You don’t.
Over-preparing leads to two problems: you either never feel ready enough to have the conversation, or you deliver something so polished it feels robotic and lands badly anyway.
Here’s a simple framework:
1. Get clear on the behaviour, not the person
What specifically happened? Focus on what you observed, not what you think it says about them. “I noticed the report was late three times this month” is observable. “You’re disorganised” is a character judgement. One opens a conversation. The other closes it.
2. Know the impact
Why does it matter? What effect did the behaviour have on the team, the client, the work, the culture? Be able to say it clearly and simply.
3. Choose your moment
Not in the heat of the moment. Not in front of others. Not via email or text if it’s anything significant. A private, calm setting, even a short walk or a coffee, changes everything. And please, don’t drop it into the last two minutes of a 1:1 or a work in progress meeting like a smoke bomb and walk out the door. Feedback deserves its own space, not a rushed afterthought when someone already has their coat on.
4. Say it simply and directly
You don’t need a sandwich (the old compliment-criticism-compliment approach fools nobody). Just be clear, be human, and be direct. “I wanted to talk to you about something I’ve noticed. Can we take five minutes?” is enough to start.
5. Listen
Feedback is not a monologue. Once you’ve said what you need to say, stop and listen. You might learn something. They might have context you didn’t have. Be open to that.
6. Agree on a way forward
What changes? What support do they need? What will you both do differently? End the conversation with clarity, not ambiguity.
Make it part of how you lead
The leaders who are best at feedback aren’t the ones who find it easy. Nobody really finds it easy. They’re the ones who’ve made it a habit, who’ve stopped treating every piece of feedback as a major event and started seeing it as a normal, healthy part of working with people.
When feedback becomes part of how you lead, given regularly, calmly, and with genuine care, it stops being a big deal. For you and for them.
People know where they stand. Trust grows. Issues get sorted before they escalate. And the culture of your team or business becomes one where honesty is normal, not something to dread.
The bottom line
Feedback is a gift. But unlike most gifts, there’s no returns policy, because when it’s given well, people rarely want to give it back.
The discomfort you feel before giving feedback? It’s temporary. The cost of not giving it? That tends to stick around a lot longer.
So the next time you feel that pull to let something slide, ask yourself honestly why. And then have the conversation anyway.
Your people deserve it. And so do you.
Want support building feedback and leadership habits into how your business operates? Let’s have a conversation.
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